Jerry Falwell Jr. Asked To Keep Hands Above Table During Resignation Meetings

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Explaining that the request was merely a formality, Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. has been asked to keep his hands above the table and in plain view during meetings regarding his resignation following revelations involving personal scandals, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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“We do this with every board member just to make sure everyone is, uh, comfortable, and on the same page regarding expectations,” Don Schulack, an advisor on Liberty’s board of trustees explained during the meeting, while providing clear instructions to the school’s soon-to-be-former president on how he should handle himself throughout the talks.

“Please, Mr. Falwell, both hands. Yes, right there, just leave them above the table where we can see them. Thank you.”

One trustee, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that on several occasions Falwell broke the leaves off a nearby aloe plant, rubbing the gel on his palms while making hasty excuses about having dry skin.

Sources also added that after breaking for lunch, the directors reportedly re-entered the meeting room to find Mr. Falwell alone with both hands in his pockets, sweating heavily and breathing deeply.