RICHMOND, Va. — The James River Association announced today that the James River, locally known as Big Jimmy, will take a three-day weekend this spring and alter its course to flow west.
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The announcement came after years of complaining from Big Jimmy about always flowing quickly past exotic destinations like Goochland and Gladstone without being able to stop and take in all the sights before emptying its load into the Chesapeake Bay.
“I haven’t had a day off in, like, 10,000 years or something” said the 348-mile river on a phone call with The Peedmont, adding that it plans to take advantage of some of the attractions the western part of the state has to offer.
“The Williamsburg Outlets get so much of my business, I should buy stock in Sunglass Hut. I’d like to get my tributaries some knickknacks from Natural Bridge or some primitive home decor from a quaint Scottsville antique store before trying a flight of brewskis from Tavern on the James.”
“That place is only a short squirt from my banks so I won’t have to drive,” the river added.
Scientists at VCU and Virginia Tech say the mighty James will encounter some gravitational challenges as it flows up the Blue Ridge Mountains rather than down them, but the river says it has been preparing.
“I’ve been inspired by this group of nutcases who wake up before dawn to go running, it’s really helped get me psyched for my up-mountain journey. Some of them even go kayaking on me, which is remarkably motivating. I’ve been in touch with many of my benthic invertebrates to prepare them to give me that extra boost once I get close to the mountains.”
When asked about the possibility that low-lying Liberty University will find itself completely underwater, causing massive property damage and loss of life due to the change in river flow, the James responded, “Fuck ‘em.”
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