In Public Apology, Falwell Cites Obscure Scripture Where Joseph Asks Stable Boy To Rail Mary

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Explaining that the verbiage fell in a gospel no one has ever heard of, former Liberty University (LU) president Jerry Falwell Jr. referred to a piece of scripture  where Joseph asks a stable boy to rail the Virgin Mary during a public apology speech, sources confirmed Saturday. 

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“I know my actions may seem crass, but I was simply trying to follow the teachings of the Lord,” Falwell explained to onlookers, saying that he was simply trying to prove his devotion to Christ by watching the pool boy fuck his wife, Becki Falwell, over the course of six years. 

“It is written, in the New Testament from the Book of James Deen, that Joseph once asked a rural stable boy outside Jerusalem to completely ravage Mary over and over and over one moonlit evening as he gazed upon them; to shag her until the sun stretched across the hills as he, Joseph, sat in the corner of the barn, examining his own inward desires.”

“The teaching,” he continued, “is that by watching a common peasant drive it all over your wife, your natural relationship between each other will strengthen and blossom into something that can’t be broken by lustful adultery. It’s like a dual meaning for the term ‘missionary,’ if you know what I mean.”

Falwell ended his statement by revealing that, though he was leaving LU, he would ensure that “the story of a stable boy plowing into Mary like a Remington 7600 rife striking an inviting target” would be taught appropriately in classes the following year.