Tappahannock Locals Excited To See Native Chris Brown on Virginia’s Presidential Election Ballot

TAPPAHANNOCK, Va. — Expressing excitement about the prospect of their small town finally being put on the map, Tappahannock residents are looking forward to seeing their very own Chris Brown on Virginia’s presidential election ballot, the community confirmed Wednesday.

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“This is huge news, probably the biggest thing for us since Lowery’s was on that TV show about kitchen nightmares,” Phil Nicholson, a local who has called the quiet river town home for over 40 years, said in a statement, adding that the news could be a real game-changer for the town’s tourism industry.

“It’s really humbling to see one of our own on the ballot, and we couldn’t be more excited about it. Even though he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re confident that Brown is going to look out for our community when he’s in the Oval Office. We can’t wait to cast our votes for him come November.”

Nicholson went on to add that while many may dislike Brown for his checkered past, “At least he served his time for his crimes against women, which is more than I can say for his two main opponents.”