RICHMOND, Va. — Due to the virtual schooling taking place across the commonwealth, a local couple had to postpone their routinely scheduled daytime sex to accommodate the nuisance of having their daughter at home all day, sources confirmed Monday.
The Snead family of Church Hill had planned on a good fucking to go down on Monday, scheduled to take place sometime before lunch. “Typically, by about 10:30 a.m., I’ve worked up quite a sexual appetite,” Terry Snead, husband to Valerie Snead and father to 10-year-old Amelia, explained in an interview, noting that his lustful desires tended to strike around the same time each day. “I’ll tell you, nothing hits the spot like some good ol’ fashioned love making followed by a trip to Union Market for a sandwich for lunch. But with Amelia being home, there’s no way we can fuck without her hearing all of it.”
According to reports, after a morning of romantic texts with his wife involving heart, eggplant, and various sandwich emojis, Snead headed home a bit early on his lunch hour for what he was expecting to be a hot and lustful nooner. Upon entering his living room, he yanked off his polo shirt and dropped his khakis to his ankles before noticing Amelia, sitting in stunned silence at the family’s kitchen table, laptop open with a dozen or so slightly pixelated children’s faces staring silently out of the school issued Chromebook.
“Well, it was immediately clear that Amelia’s father had forgotten that school is virtual this year,” recalled teacher Anne Potter. “And so after I got the students to stop laughing and mute their microphones, I calmly asked Amelia to go ahead and turn off her camera while he pulled up his pants. After a few minutes she returned and we continued with the lesson, though she was clearly embarrassed.”
Valerie Snead came downstairs shortly after and was met by her red-faced husband who quietly explained what had happened.
“Well, this certainly complicates things,” Mrs. Snead stated, adding that it had forced them to have some unusual conversations with their daughter. “We just explained that her father had left something at home and had to go to the bathroom really bad when he arrived. Amelia seemed to believe us.”
The Sneads have yet to officially reschedule their daytime sex but have mentioned Wednesday or Friday as a possibility. “We’re trying to get an idea of what our daughter’s schedule will look like for the rest of the week,” Mr. Snead explained. “If she can get an assignment from her Geology class that requires her to go outside and dig in some dirt for 30 minutes, we might be able to get away with it then.”
“We’re also exploring options that involve getting her together with her friends outside during recess,” Snead continued. “But most of her friends don’t live close enough to make the drive during our hour-long break. It’s quite a predicament.”
Mrs. Snead brainstormed a few more options, including going to their next door neighbor’s house for privacy, but quickly realized that their kids would be home as well.
“We’re coming up dry on options, no pun intended,” Mrs. Snead added.
At the time of reporting, Mr. and Mrs. Snead mentioned that until a later date could be confirmed for their daytime sexual endeavors, they would plan on doubling up in the late evening hours to make up for it.