RICHMOND, Va. — While many Richmonders are still reeling from the announcement that Mojo’s will soon close, VCU has stepped forward to lead the search for an establishment to replace the iconic Cary Street dive, assuring the community that whatever replaces it will most certainly charge approximately $14 for a single taco.
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Todd Hawthorne, a spokesman for VCU Planning and Development, commented on the forthcoming loss of Mojo’s in a statement, explaining that a Mexican fusion concept restaurant with a faux bohemian atmosphere will present well on campus tours and be operated by two white guys who will almost certainly be named Stephen and Craig,
“VCU has long enjoyed a vibrant culinary scene,” Hawthorne said in a statement, “which is why we think a solid taco joint that will cost $20 for a meal before tip will fit in perfectly for that corner of Cary Street.”
Hawthorne also noted that whatever replaces it will definitely have a super original name in a “noun + noun” format and will absolutely attach their drink menu to a clipboard. The aforementioned drink menu will undoubtedly serve to bastardize Latinx culture and will include cocktails with cliché names like “Ram-arita, “Whiskey Tango Cuervo,” and a “Brown’s Island Iced Tea” that will just be a blend of fake moonshine and an IPA from Veil Brewing Co.
“We know the community is going to miss Mojo’s,” Hawthorne commented, “but you can rest assured we are working hard to make sure the new restaurant will charge well over $10 for approximately two ounces of meat and some kind of rancid slaw. And, yes, you’ll have to pay extra for the chips and salsa, too.”
“Quite frankly,” Hawthorne continued, “while we’re already shedding a tear at the thought of Mojo’s going away, we can’t wait to replace it with a modern eyesore of a chic building that will undoubtedly help gentrify Oregon Hill even more. Can’t have too many nostalgic buildings on the block, no sir.”
Hawthorne was unable to provide specifics on which restaurateurs the university was negotiating with, or when a new restaurant will open; however, he was confident something would occupy the location soon.
“If none of our options work out, we might just say ‘fuck it’ and put in another Chili’s,” Hawthorne said.