RICHMOND, Va. — Flipping page after page through the nation’s holy doctrine of law and rights, Sen. Amanda Chase (R-Chesterfield) announced on Monday that she is determined to find verbiage in the United States Constitution that says the public is expendable for the economy during a global pandemic.
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Chase was adamant that America’s forefathers included in the Constitution the government’s right to sacrifice millions of Americans to a lethal virus if it meant opening the country up for business.
“Damnit, I know it’s in here somewhere,” Chase explained while hastily rummaging through a printed copy of the United States Constitution that an aide delivered to her office two days ago.
“I could’ve sworn it was somewhere between sections eight and 10 in Article I. There’s something in this thing that says during a pandemic, we can start the economy back up as long as we don’t kill off a certain percentage of that population, and we just need to confirm what that percentage is. I think it’s 4.5%, maybe 5%, but I just want to be sure.”
Chase concluded that, if according to the Constitution the public isn’t expendable, she will at least ensure whoever is left alive gets their own AR-15 and Mad Max desert rover in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.