CLEVELAND, Oh. — In a decision fueled by political determination and a blood alcohol concentration level of 0.12, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe was forcibly dragged out of the 2020 Presidential Debate after attempting to rush the stage, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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The former governor made his opinions known as he was physically escorted off the premises by security. “This isn’t fair! What have either of these two loons done to deserve a space up here? What the hell has Bi-dumb done for the Democrats so far?”
“And how does a guy who paid less in income taxes than I did on my last St. Patrick’s Day bar tab get to do this and not me? Come on, I’ve earned this! I’ve been to nearly every brewery in the commonwealth and am the only one who can take us back to the top of the world stage!”
Witnesses later reported that upon being escorted off the premises, an enraged McAuliffe relieved himself on the side of the building and then began throwing garbage and empty beer bottles at the walls before jumping into someone else’s Uber and speeding off.