RICHMOND, Va. — Convinced it will improve his odds of not getting taken down, the Robert E. Lee Monument is hoping for some kind of shout-out in the next presidential debate, the statue confirmed Wednesday.
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Gov. Ralph Northam had announced plans to remove the monument earlier this summer. However, his efforts were blocked by a lawsuit. A trial to decide the statue’s fate begins on October 19. The statue claims that any sort of mention from President Trump could help bring public awareness to its situation and hopefully sway a jury in its favor.
“I don’t know how much time I’ve got left before they try to take me down, so I’m hoping some kind of name-drop from the big guy could help me out a bit. If the frat boy white supremacists that I helped inspire are worthy of a shout-out, then surely I should be able to get something. I’ve quite literally been standing back and standing by since 1890.”
The statue expressed concern that the upcoming debate format may not give the president an opportunity to highlight its plight, since the town hall format will mean Trump has an additional 30 or 40 people to petulantly argue with.
“He doesn’t even have to use my full name,” the monument continued, “or introduce me by my decorated title. Something as simple as ‘and then you’ve got Lee over in Richmond,’ or something like that, would be great for the cause.”
If all else fails, the Lee statue says it is holding out hope for the third debate. It’s confident Trump can find a brief moment for a shout-out somewhere between calling moderator Kristen Welker a ‘heinous bitch’ and shitting in a bucket as a metaphor for his healthcare policy.