RICHMOND, Va. — Capitol Police thwarted an attempt to kidnap Governor Ralph Northam late Tuesday evening, uncovering a bizarre plot involving a windowless van and scores of fresh Chesapeake oysters, sources confirmed Saturday.
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According to officials, kidnappers affiliated with the Virginia Flaggers, a Confederate heritage group, approached the Executive Mansion on Friday evening at 10:13pm in a vehicle of the sort normally reserved for pedophiles and undercover FBI agents. Four individuals then allegedly laid a trail of fresh Chesapeake oysters from the Governor’s residence in order to entice the Eastern Shore native into the back of their van.
“The kidnappers deployed what is known by law enforcement as an ‘E.T. honey trap’” Capitol Police Chief Col. Anthony S. Pike explained in a statement. “In this case, instead of sweet delicious Reese’s Pieces, the suspects utilized about three dozen fresh, succulent, Virginia oysters from off the Eastern Shore, which proved irresistible to the Governor.”
Northam reportedly made it all the way to East Broad Street before realizing he’d been had. One eyewitness confirmed the governor stepped onto his porch, and upon noticing a trail of oysters, gleefully exclaimed “Well well, look what we have here,” and proceeded to gather the oysters into a picnic basket that had been left out on the front lawn from earlier in the day.
“I have to admit, while I was disappointed that this turned out to be a clever ruse, those oysters made me hornier than a bird dog in heat,” Northam later told reporters. “I’m not one to kiss and tell, but after I gave my statement to our boys in blue I high-tailed it back to the mansion to turn lemons into lemonade, if you know what I mean. Poor Pam didn’t know what hit her.”