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Northam Kindly Asks Kidnappers to Wash Their Hands Before Dragging Him Out of the Executive Mansion

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing the importance of safety first, Gov. Ralph Northam politely asked that any potential kidnappers please wash their hands before attempting to take him, the governor requested Wednesday.

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“I know some people may have some crazy intentions out there, but all Pam and I hope is that you please properly wash your hands before going for it,” Northam said in a statement following revelations that he himself was a potential target for possible kidnappers, adding specific instructions on how to efficiently practice sanitary abductions.

“Make sure to use warm water and soap and to sing the ‘Happy Birthday’ song not once but twice before drying off. Oh, and don’t forget the sanitizer. We want to make sure we’re still flattening the curve even when ransom notes are being tossed around.”

Northam ended his statement by mentioning that he also carries sanitizing wipes on his person at all times and would happily offer them to anyone trying to capture him to ensure that the inevitable cargo van he’s thrown in the back of is properly wiped down first.

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