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Biden Opens Competing Charlottesville Winery

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden will soon open a winery in Charlottesville to compete with Trump Winery, his campaign confirmed Sunday.

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CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden will soon open a winery in Charlottesville to compete with Trump Winery, his campaign confirmed Sunday.

In an off-the-cuff press conference, Biden talked about his decision to open a winery in the rolling hills of Virginia in his traditional folksy working-class style. 

“Come on, man, I’ve been pouring hooch since I was a kid on the streets of Scranton, or somewhere in Delaware, whatever, you know the thing,” the former Vice President stated. “My pappy always told me that a two-legged deer only grows on hot moss and, you know, it’s just…come on, man!”

According to unnamed sources referred to us by the New York Post, Biden Winery currently consists of one folding table, akin to a lemonade stand, with Biden dutifully pouring glasses from a jug marked “XXX.” In response to questions, the Biden campaign assured reporters that this was only the initial stage of construction and that, much like the Biden tax plan, healthcare plan, and COVID-19 plan, concrete details would only be revealed once Biden secured the presidency. 

Biden Winery has so far drawn a number of Democratic supporters seeking to bolster the campaign’s efforts in the last days before the election. One ardent volunteer, Rob Kilmer of Crozet, remarked, “Look, we know it’s not the best wine, if it can legally be called that, and we know that it’s an odd choice to spend resources in a state he’s already likely to win, but Joe needs our support as the least creepy old man currently running for the presidency.”

“Plus, weekend trips to Keswick and Barboursville Vineyards are starting to get old, so it’d be nice to have some options,” Kilmer added.

Biden also faced questions about the decision to open a winery during a campaign, but said his decision is more than just a competitive move against his opponent. 

“Listen here, you can’t break an omelet without….um….you know….the thing. And one thing’s for sure, just wear a mask, and we’ll have this thing nipped or else my name isn’t….er….come on, man!”

As of late, Biden Winery is facing a number of challenges, including an investigation into alleged Ukrainian investors, visits by Chinese foreign agents, and the involvement of Hunter Biden’s crack dealer, known only as “Big Milton.” Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has also attacked the winery on social media, citing a report backed by QAnon that accused the winery of creating additional strands of Covid-19. 

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