ARLINGTON, Va. — Sixth grader Quint DePaul, who dressed up as Dr. Anthony Fauci for Halloween was stuffed into a locker on Friday, according to sources inside the school district.
While the coronavirus has changed most aspects of schooling, the old, jocks-nerds rivalry remains. With in-person classes just resuming this week, school bully Jim Fulks was anxious to get back to his routine belittling others to hide his crippling insecurities.
“That little geek Fauci has prevented me from stealing lunch money all year,” Fulks said, adjusting his Call of Duty: Warzone face mask. “I can’t shove him into a locker, but shoving Quint into one sure was satisfying.”
Witnesses report that Faulks cornered Quint, who was sporting a smart gray suit and a Washington Nationals mask, outside of science class. Faulks proceeded to jam Quint ass-first into a locker where he remained until the end of third period.
Quint blames his parents, Rosemary and Quentin DePaul for the incident, saying that he “isn’t a nerd like Fauci,” and that he was forced to impersonate the NIAID scientist.
However, his parents, who claim to be members of “the resistance,” say that while they mandated that Quint be an inspiring, real life person for Halloween, they did not force him to be Dr. Fauci.
“He was given a choice. It was either Dr. Fauci or Joe Biden.” Quentin DePaul explained. “He chose to be Dr. Fauci out of his own free will.”
“His sister Mia was Ruth Bader Ginsburg,” Rosemary DePaul said while tilting her head upward to gaze into the heavens. “May she rest in power. Mia was very happy to be the Notorious R.B.G. She didn’t complain. And she most certainly didn’t let any ignorant man shove her into a locker.”