74-Year-Old Male Having Trouble Maintaining Election

WASHINGTON — An unidentified elderly male checked into Walter Reed Hospital with a condition that doctors are referring to as Electile Dysfunction, sources confirmed Thursday.

The patient, a Caucasian 74-year-old man, has been described by doctors as “irritable, curmudgeonly, self-righteous, and extremely racist.” He has complained to doctors that no one likes him and believes that everyone is out to get him, with the exception of older white people from the South. 

Once the patient was interviewed, doctors were quick to call local police, due to allegations of domestic abuse. 

“He kept telling us that he beat a woman in 2016,” says Dr. Ashley Desai of Walter Reed Hospital. “His eyes were lighting up as he kept telling us he beat this woman in November of 2016. We figured it was worth looking into.”

According to reports, the man also stated that he didn’t believe to fully dysfunctional, but that he could maintain his election if given a bit more time to prepare.