Lee Monument Comes in Third in Mayoral Race

RICHMOND, Va. — Finishing just a few thousand votes behind [second place candidate], Monument Avenue’s Robert E. Lee monument came in third place in yesterday’s mayoral election, officials announced Wednesday.

“He wasn’t even on ballot, but there technically isn’t a rule that says you can’t vote for an inanimate object, so I guess we could see how it happened,” Doris Clayton, a spokesperson for the election committee said in a statement, adding that they were still a bit surprised given his drop in overall popularity over the last hundred or so years.

“Most of his supporters live outside the city, so we’re a bit confused as to where all of these votes came from. Maybe a bunch of old-money voters think if they elect the statue as mayor, it won’t be taken down?”

The Virginia Flaggers, a local organization that promotes Confederate heritage, says they were encouraged by the news, and that it shouldn’t come off as surprising that the monument received so many write-in votes. 

“Hell yeah, brothers, this is what it’s all about,” Jim Hoffman, a member of the organization’s Hanover County chapter, said in an interview. “Ol’ Lee would be the perfect guy for the job. He’d clean up Monument Avenue on day one, and he’d rescue Stonewall and Davis from the socialist gulags they’re being held in. Put him in office and the South will rise again, let me tell you.”

[Election Winner] could not be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for his/her camp said that if the statue somehow tied [winner], he/she would likely appeal the results to the non-partisan courts in Appomattox County.