MECHANICSVILLE, Va. — In an effort to care for those struggling with the news of Vice President Joe Biden’s election as the 46th President of the United States, Gov. Ralph Northam declared Saturday that Mechanicsville would become a designated safe space for Trump-supporting snowflakes, sources confirmed Saturday.
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“I know this is a difficult time for many across the Commonwealth,” Northam told screaming crowds holding “Trump 2020” flags outside of the Virginia State Capitol.
“But I feel there is no better place for the fragile, gun-toting, huddled masses yearning to breathe car exhaust than Mechanicsville. Effective today, any citizens of the commonwealth that are hyperventilating about the loss of a president who routinely gets fact-checked by Twitter are welcome to seek refuge in Mechanicsville.”
Early reports from Mechanicsville describe 10-foot chain link fences and razor wire being erected around Carter’s Pigpen Bar-B-Que and copies of the Rifleman being handed out to panicking individuals upon their arrival.
“I just don’t think the Left understands how triggering this is,” Scott Barlow, a MAGA hat wearing individual, told reporters in between forkfuls of pulled pork. “I mean, do they have any idea what it’s like to put all their hopes into a single person winning an election, only to have their dreams crushed for 4-8 years?”
Officials from Northam’s office added that in the event Mechanicsville reached capacity with distressed conservatives, additional havens would be made available in the towns of Lynchburg and Danville.