Report: It’s Basically Christmas

RICHMOND, Va.— As people continue to pack away their “totally ironic” Joker costumes and  wallow in beer and Tootsie Roll farts, officials statewide have confirmed that it is basically Christmas. 

“All of the big stores are getting their decorations out, and you know that old Saint Nick is making his list and checking it twice,” Kathy Echols, a Midlothian resident, stated in an interview just two days after Halloween and a few weeks before Thanksgiving. “We plan to go looking at Christmas trees later today and we’ll have the lights up around the house before the weekend is done. I’ve already set my alarm for 3 a.m. on Black Friday, too, so I can beat the crowds at Costco.” 

At the time of reporting, Virginians everywhere were seen speeding off to department stores and malls as #ReasonForTheSeason went viral on Twitter and Halloween jack-o-lanterns that were lit up just days ago began to rot from their porches.