SHENANDOAH, Va. — Claiming that Democrats had stolen Pennsylvania ballots in favor of President Trump and disposed of them across the Mid-Atlantic, State Sen. Amanda Chase, R-11, has volunteered to search the wilderness for missing ballots, sources confirmed Wednesday.
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“My team has reason to believe that Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, and a caravan of illegal immigrants conspired to throw out millions of ballots across the Appalachian Mountains,” Chase said in a press conference at the Rockfish Gap entrance of Shenandoah National Park while dressed in full forest camouflage and strapped with a fully-loaded AR-15. “I’m going into these woods and won’t leave any stone unturned or any deer un-shot until I’ve gathered every last ballot out there, and you can take that to the bank.”
Chase also had a direct message for her favorite president: “Mr. President, I’m standing back and standing by for your orders. Despite the complete lack of any substantiated evidence of widespread voter fraud, I trust we’ll find those lost ballots just like you and the Russians found Hillary’s emails.”
Following her press conference, Chase held a sample ballot out to her cadaver dog, Beavis, explaining that he had “picked up the scent of our dying democracy” before disappearing into the woods.