RICHMOND, Va. — Tighter pandemic restrictions have been put in place throughout the commonwealth in response to a COVID-19 outbreak that has been traced to one particularly gross pick-up line at District 5, health officials confirmed Tuesday.
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According to contact tracers, the line, which is believed to have been a variation of “Would you grab my arm so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?” was unleashed by an asymptomatic COVID-19 carrier after several shots of Fireball.
“The unidentified male suspect was reportedly rejected by numerous women throughout the night, so our investigators believe the same line may have been used on as many as six women in a desperate attempt to score a one-night stand,” VCU police chief John Venuti told reporters. “The victims in question subsequently left the premises in disgust, carrying copious amounts of coronavirus with them.”
Venuti also suggested that early reports indicated that the Richmond area may in fact be facing an epidemic of asymptomatic fuckbois.
“We’re seeing more and more of these situations as restaurants and bars continue to attract bros in their late 20s with the communications skills of adolescent baboons,” Daneesh Patel, a senior analyst at VCU Medical Center’s Developmental Research Lab, explained before apologizing to any baboons who might be offended by the comparison.
“It’s very possible that other environments that attract these sorts of diseased men, such as bowling alleys and Dunkin’ Donuts shops, could be exacerbating the spread of the virus,” Patel continued. “In March alone, we traced a cluster of COVID cases to a St. Patrick’s Day party at Siné where a 25-year-old Alexandria man was believed to have drunkenly asked someone for their phone number, because he ‘forgot his own.’”
“Our working theory is that this man was likely patient zero for Richmond,” Patel added.
While health officials have declined to release the names of any victims of these horrible, virus-filled pick-up lines, they are urging citizens to remain vigilant against douchebags with no game and bad puns. Late last week, the Virginia Department of Health issued additional guidelines to help contain the spread of the virus, advising Richmond residents to maintain a minimum of six feet in distance from all single guys named Kyle or Chad.
“Thanks to the stay-at-home orders earlier this year, we’re seeing an uptick in sex-hungry assholes who have no problem resorting to last-ditch efforts to hook up,” a Richmond bartender who asked to remain anonymous told reporters. “I’d feel sorry for the poor bastards, but if something isn’t done soon their uncontrollable boners are going to end up killing my nana.”