WASHINGTON — After months of anonymity, the whistleblower responsible for an official impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump revealed themselves this morning via a scribbled note left next to a slightly opened cookie jar in the White House pantry.
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The note read simply, “Donald, I am the whistleblower and I told Santa and Adam Schiff everything,” and was signed “V.L.M.” Sources confirmed that the initials are those of Vladimir Lee McFreckles, who has been President Trump’s Elf on the Shelf since the family moved into the White House in 2017. The small North Pole elf was named by the President.
“Well, obviously the President is very disappointed in McFreckles,” stated acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. “I’m sure that elf has seen and heard a lot of things he might disagree with and I suggest he get over it.”
Mulvaney indicated that on the morning of the infamous Trump phone call with Ukranian President Zelensky, the President failed to notice that McFreckles was perched atop a painting of Andrew Jackson in the Oval Office, in a perfect position to see and hear everything.
“Trump spotted him later in the afternoon but didn’t think much of it. We thought about moving him, but you can’t touch them or they lose their magical powers and can’t fly back to the North Pole every night.”
“This is clearly a major development,” stated Adam Schiff, the leading Democrat in the Impeachment Enquiry. “Now that Mr. McFreckles has come forward, we will officially subpoena him to testify in the public hearing. We plan to send that subpoena this evening by giving it several kisses, sprinkling it with glitter, and sending it up the chimney, addressed to the North Pole.”
White House staffers confirmed that McFreckles has not been seen today, and it is unclear if the mischievous elf has left 1600 Pennsylvania Ave permanently or if he’s simply hiding in a very good spot.