NORTON, Va. — Calling a bunch of dusty country roads and decaying Make America Great Again banners “not much to get excited about,” COVID-19 is planning to leave southwest Virginia ahead of schedule due to pure boredom, the virus announced Monday.
“Abingdon has a really cute Main Street and some quirky shops, but the rest of this part of Virginia is rather bland,” the virus explained, adding that the fading autumn foliage and the lone restaurant in Big Stone Gap weren’t enticing enough to keep its infectious presence around.
“Don’t get me wrong, these small, quaint towns are very picturesque, and rather friendly. Since a lot of people aren’t wearing those pesky facemasks, I’ve felt very welcome everywhere. There just honestly isn’t much to do. Bristol is kinda cool, I can visit two states simultaneously, but unless they throw a gig at that huge NASCAR track, I think I’ll head back toward the coast, or just go for a stroll up the Blue Ridge Parkway.”
The virus went on to explain that while its visit to the furthest corner of the state was underwhelming, it was still leagues more fulfilling than any of its experiences in West Virginia.