Virginia Votes To Decriminalize All Drugs Provided You Don’t Get Caught

RICHMOND, Va. — In a rare unanimous vote, the Virginia General Assembly voted to decriminalize all drugs provided you don’t get caught while using them, officials confirmed Tuesday.

House Bill 15678, which has been nicknamed as the “Just Don’t Be Fucking Obvious Law,” is now awaiting the signature of Gov. Ralph Northam. It will eliminate all criminal charges for narcotic-related incidents if individuals are sneaky enough to avoid being caught using or selling them.

H.B. 15678 has been well received by Northam, drug dealers, the VCU Art department, and all 64,761 Virginians who voted for Jo Jorgenson in the presidential election.

“This soon-to-be law will go a long way to end Virginia’s mass incarceration problem,” Northam said in a press conference. “Non-violent drug offenders who can escape being seen with drugs can now avoid criminal charges that could lead to hefty fines and prison time. As long as drug users are lighting up in the comfort and privacy of their own home and not annoying the general public, they will be acting in full accordance with the law.”

Despite the decriminalization H.B. 15678 provides for drug use, Northam was quick to  state that law enforcement officers will be expected to pursue completely obvious cases of drug use. “If a law enforcement officer sees you doing molly off your wallet in a public setting, you will be charged. So again, just be discreet with your behavior, and we can all have a good time the next time Dark Star Orchestra plays a show in the commonwealth.”