RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond Department of Parks, Recreation, and Community Facilities has announced that the 2020 RVA Illuminates will solely feature a giant middle finger directed toward this shitstorm of a year, officials confirmed Sunday.
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City officials cited both a lack of funding and a lack of desire for merriment as the main reasons for the decision to change the annual event. Instead of the traditional shining outlines of the skyline, luminescent deer, holiday carolers, and a Santa Claus of suspect sobriety, the city has instead decided to place a single 35-foot illuminated display of a fist with middle finger extended in the center of Kanawha Plaza.
Carl Boshell, a spokesperson for the department, said that it was an easy decision after witnessing the absolute horror of the last 334 days.
“We feel that it’s appropriate that our display is reflective of the spirit of 2020, so we opted for nothing more than a big visual ‘fuck you’ to the year that fucked everyone first,” Boshell said, adding that between wildfires, worldwide protests over systematic racism and police brutality, and a raging global pandemic, the decision to flip the bird to a year that made 2016 look like a joy ride in comparison was a no-brainer.
Boshell noted that families from all faiths and ethnic backgrounds would be in support of telling the year that brought us earthquakes, economic fallout, the most active hurricane season in decades, the death of multiple beloved actors and athletes, and murder hornets to adequately “fuck off.” He further encourages people to just stay home and ponder whether or not this is the end of times.
“The most appropriate way to really tie a bow on this dogshit of a year is for the Times Square Ball Drop to end in nuclear disaster and destroy the eastern seaboard,” Boshell said before taking a deep swig of Old Crow. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go convert Dogwood Dell into a cemetery.”