RICHMOND, Va. — Waving his arms in frustration, Gov. Ralph Northam announced his feelings of “fuck everything and everyone right now” in an official press release today.
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The governor was halfway through his most recent announcement detailing potential plans in Virginia’s strategy to mitigate COVID-19, before going off script to declare that he was just about fucking done with everything.
“You know what? Fuck it,” Northam impatiently exclaimed, before balling up his prepared speech and throwing it into the crowd of reporters and Reopen Virginia protestors.
“You all want this state back open so badly? Fine, fucking have it. Go get your haircuts. Go get your fucking nails done. Go make sweet whoopee to your neighbor on the beach while wearing a condom made from the Virginia flag while screaming ‘FREEEEDOOOM!’ at the top of your lungs. I give up. And while you’re at it, you can spell Virginia however damn well you please!”
After catching his breath, an exhausted Northam called Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax to the room, saying, “You can govern for the rest of the fucking year, I just can’t with these people.”