RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to make their next declaration of an unlawful assembly more seasonally festive, the Richmond Police Department (RPD) will soon unveil gingerbread-scented tear gas for use throughout the holiday season, a spokesperson announced Thursday.
“Our newest chemical irritant is designed to leave any Black Lives Matter protest smelling like your grandmother’s kitchen on Christmas morning,” RPD Captain Jerry Burke said during a press conference, adding that while the gas will still serve to disperse unruly crowds, it will also pair well with the milk folks will be pouring into their burning eyes.
“In fact, given how often our officers accidentally accost the press during these constitutionally-protected expressions of democracy, we figured we might as well get it out of the way early,” Burke added, before donning a mask and directing his officers to lob volleys of red and green gas canisters into the crowded room. “As you can already tell, our new and improved gas is not only tactically effective, but also indistinguishable from those homestyle gingerbread aromas you all know and love.”
Due to reporters fleeing the briefing early and several hospitalizations attributed to respiratory inflammation, Burke later released a written statement declaring that the department would be wrapping their batons in red and white stripes to resemble candy canes, in addition to replacing all riot shields with giant dreidels.