We Tried a Flight of Distilleries’ and Breweries’ Hand Sanitizers and Would Actually Prefer a Double IPA, Please

RICHMOND, Va. — Widespread instructions to douse our entire lives with sanitizer have created a massive demand for the alcohol-based disinfectant, leading many businesses impacted by COVID-19 to turn to another potential revenue source: producing hand sanitizer. As breweries and distilleries are uniquely positioned to fill this need, many across the Richmond metro area have taken to producing their own form of hand sanitizer.

RELATED (article continued below):

• Richmond to Honor First Responders With Bolt Scooter Formation on Broad Street
• Armed Protestors at Reopen VA Rally Assure Public They Plan to Open Fire Only at COVID-19
• Northam: “Fine, Fuck It. Go Get a Haircut.”

After seeing the hype posts on social media, we knew we just had to try this stuff out, so we shrink-wrapped our intern Steve and sent him to purchase samples from Garden Grove Brewing Company & Urban Winery, Lickinghole Creek Craft Brewery, and Reservoir Distillery.

Our first tasting was from Lickinghole, but we didn’t know what to pair it with, so we just figured we’d have a glass of orange juice standing by, just in case. Their sanitizer had notes of chicory and sharp burning finish reminiscent of frat house jungle juice. Frankly, it made us nostalgic for Petey Pablo.

Next up, we sampled Garden Grove Brewing’s offering of the coveted cleaner, only to find that we went temporarily blind in one eye within 45 seconds of swallowing. It had an aftertaste of activated charcoal courtesy of the nice paramedics who stopped by.

Lastly, we sampled Reservoir’s sanitizer, which caused us to experience hallucinations of a post-apocalyptic world in which Harrison Ford thinks we’re replicants and is hunting us down for the good of humanity. At one point, our intern Steve claimed to have developed three additional senses, but he couldn’t explain what they were.

Oh, and the orange juice didn’t help. In fact, after the hell our innards went through during this research, the orange juice just tasted like flaming toothpaste.

We can safely say, after sampling all of these hand sanitizers, that we would rather drink a double IPA that’s overloaded on hops rather than basically bleach out our intestines. Oh well, at least COVID can’t get us by the throat now.

While we appreciate breweries and distilleries are producing a literal life-saving concoction, we really hope they go back to doing what they do best—offering a delicious product that comes with the luxury of meeting up with friends on a patio space and shit-talking the friends who didn’t show up.