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Capitol Police Hope They Weren’t Too Rude To Visiting Protest-Enthusiasts

WASHINGTON — Following a riot that resulted in pro-Trump insurrectionists storming and occupying Capitol Hill, the Capitol Police Department is hopeful that their response to the situation wasn’t too rude or intimidating, sources confirmed Thursday.

Representatives from the Capitol Police said the hours-long standoff remained largely peaceful as officers did little more than stand around watching a bunch of white men break the law in the name of misguided beliefs about race and masculinity. 

“It was nice to have some like-minded visitors at the Capitol for once,” Jeff McNarthy, a spokesperson for the Capitol Police Department, said in a statement, adding that he hopes the people, whom he called “peaceful protectors of our many freedoms,” will visit our nation’s capital again soon. 

The department was also apologetic that yesterday’s fracas required the department to deploy tear gas on a limited basis. 

“As policy, we try to avoid using things like tear gas or other extreme crowd control measures,” McNarthy said. “However, we received reports that non-white individuals may have been among the crowd so we were forced to take drastic action for our own safety.” McNarthy went on to stress their deep regret over any Caucasian individuals who may have experienced temporary discomfort. 

“We know things got a little hairy once everyone walked into the building, but we still want to reflect a positive image of our honorable police officers. If you give us a heads up next time, we’ll do what we can to be more hospitable.”

Sources report that Capitol Police have established a working group to plan for similar events in the future. If their budget allows it, they hope to provide boxed lunches, a guided tour of the building, and perhaps a live band for the next far right seditionist group that decides to storm the seat of the United States federal government. 

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