MECHANICSVILLE, Va. — After calling the world’s reaction to the virus an “an attack on the freedoms our forefathers fought to preserve,” the iconic snake in the Don’t Tread on Me Gadsden flag has tested positive for COVID-19, sources confirmed Sunday.
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Commonly known for his philosophical stances for liberty, as well as being a huge NASCAR fan, the snake has doubled-down on his request that people not tread on him following his COVID-19 diagnosis.
“The snake is running a fever, experiencing severe migraines, and can’t taste or smell anything, but he still proudly stands for reopening Virginia immediately,” a spokesperson for the Gadsden snake said at a press conference.
When asked how an animal with no legs could stand for anything, the spokesperson was quick to retort, “It’s a metaphor!”
“He also asks that his fellow patriots continue to rise up against Northam and the democrats for their increased taxes and tyranny against the American people. He can’t wait to see you at the next Second Amendment rally once he’s back on his feet. Again, metaphor!”
“While we have not been able to verify where he contracted the virus,” the spokesperson continued, “we do have reason to believe he may have been tread on by an infected socialist recently. We plan to pursue any such criminal, unconstitutional activity to the fullest extent of the law. In case you forgot, he left explicit instructions about not being tread upon.”
With allies including Republicans, Libertarians, and people who don’t affiliate themselves with a political party but think snakes are cool, the snake’s COVID-19 diagnosis immediately drew reactions throughout the commonwealth, with many commending the snake for still continuing to live it’s normal life throughout the pandemic.
“Ol’ Gaddy don’t live in fear and was just exercising his constitutional rights which don’t include wearing masks or social distancing,” Atlee resident and Tea Party member Hank Dawson said, before failing, when asked, to positively identify any constitutional amendments beyond the first and second. “This ain’t nothing but the flu, and since it’s got like a 99% survival rate, we know he’ll be just fine and out fighting our freedoms again in no time.”
The snake went on to announce he was not planning on taking any vaccine that was funded by the government, claiming “my body, my choice” as a justification for his decision.