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Parallel Parking Nearly Thwarts Capitol Square Gun Rights Rally

RICHMOND, Va. — A massive demonstration by gun rights advocates at Capitol Square on Monday was nearly over before it began when thousands of participants found themselves incapable of parallel parking successfully. 

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Spurned by fears of restrictive gun control legislation being passed by General Assembly’s new Democratic majority, protestors from all over the country swarmed the narrow downtown causeways without a whispering fuck of a clue how to back into a parking spot between two other vehicles along the street. 

Many attendees expressed frustration at the situation, deeming it an impediment to transportation and an undue burden on drivers.

“Yeah, um, they’s ain’t a whole lotta room for me to park ma truck out here,” declared Bobby Allen Thurmond, a tire retreader from Muskogee, Oklahoma, who attempted to park his modified 2011 Ford F-250 in an open space on Franklin Street. “Y’all need to make these roads wider cuz I damn near tore the bumper rat awff that there Camry.”

Others weren’t so lucky and were forced to drive away in search of pull-in parking that didn’t require the immediate recall of any formal education.

“I haven’t had to try this shit since I was in school,” complained McKayla Spruce of Wet Gulch, West Virginia. “I had to back in and out like 13 times before my transmission started smelling weird and I just gave up and parked behind a Chipotle like 17 blocks away. So dumb.”

Rally organizers from the Virginia Citizens Defense League cried foul at the “appalling conditions,” and suspect that government officials may have had a hand in taking advantage of the middling intellect and physical limitations of common gun rights advocates.

“The Democrats knew exactly what they were doing,” claimed Virginia Citizens Defense League President Philip Van Cleave. “They purposely configured the surrounding area to be heavily reliant on parallel parking to force these salt-of-the-earth, freedom-loving folks to park blocks away, knowing full well that their morbid obesity and heavily opiated constitutions make such walks prohibitive. It’s shameful, and a clear demonstration of liberal favoritism.”

“We will be filing a formal complaint,” said Van Cleave.

While attendance was lower than anticipated due to the parking challenges, many were still able to make it to the rally with the help of Bolt scooters and the smell of food trucks luring them toward the rally.

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