Petersburg Offers to Demolish Itself to Host 2021 Summer Olympics

PETERSBURG, Va. — Following news that Tokyo may not be ready to host the 2021 Summer Olympics due to public health concerns, Petersburg has preemptively offered to demolish every building within city limits in a bid to host the global sporting event, sources confirmed Thursday.

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“An opportunity to host the Summer Olympics is truly once in a lifetime, so we’re willing to do whatever it takes to bring the prestige and tourist dollars to our home town, or what’s left of it,” Dan Saulk, a representative for Petersburg City Council, said in a statement. He added that the city would be happy to cover the entire cost of both razing itself and rebuilding facilities to accommodate host city requirements set forth by the International Olympic Committee. 

“From I-295 to the Squirrel Level Road exit off I-85, we’ve got dozens of square miles of land that’s not occupied by much other than auto body shops, fast food restaurants, and maybe one RaceWay gas station, which could easily be repurposed for arenas and stadiums. This would also be the perfect excuse to bulldoze some of the sleazy motels on Washington Street and replace them with Marriotts. We’re even willing to flatten Hopewell to sweeten the deal.”

As of this morning, Petersburg officials were reportedly in final negotiations with Dominion Energy on a demolition plan that would be efficient, cost effective, and guaranteed to take out the landmark Broadway Inn and Suites for good.