Short Pump GameStop Offers To Trade Below-Average Stocks for Your Super Smash Bros.

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing that financial stake in the company is fair trade for a used copy of the Nintendo 64 classic, the GameStop in Short Pump offered to trade you a couple of below-average GME stocks for your used copy of Super Smash Bros., sources confirmed Tuesday.

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“Given the rough condition of the game — particularly the scratches on the label — we can trade you a couple of GME shares for it,” GameStop employee Dylan Parker explained, scoffing at any attempt at negotiation for actual money or more stock in the company. 

“Look, kid, it’s not like you brought us ‘GoldenEye’ still in the box with a working controller. The best we can do is two shares that are down 41% as of the market’s opening today. We’re on a tight budget, unfortunately, and we’re pretty well-stocked when it comes to Super Smash, but we’ll still gladly take it off your hands.”

Parker mentioned that they’d be willing to throw in a few extra shares for any copies of Conker’s Bad Fur Day or Mario Party 2, though the latter was under the condition that the cartridge wasn’t glitchy on account of the years of accumulated spittle.