Arlington Consultant Bro Poor Shamed for Qualifying for Stimulus Relief

ARLINGTON, Va. — News broke today that Brad Starr, a Deloitte consultant in Arlington, may qualified for an additional stimulus relief payment in what co-workers and friends are calling, “a total peasant move, bro.”

RELATED (article continued below):

• Report: It’s Still Fucking Monday Even While Working From Home
• Quarantined Museum District Neighbors Beautifully Sing GWAR’s “Saddam a Go-Go” From Balconies
• Op-Ed: I Used to Think Gentrification Was a Bad Thing, Then I Tried Korean BBQ Tacos With an IPA

According to sources, Starr, who is facing scrutiny from his friends for not making enough to be exempted from the relief payment, attempted to defend himself to his peers over this egregious faux pas.

“It’s based on my old tax return before my raise,” he explained, stressing that his current salary was enough to keep him a class above the commoners. “I make six figures, really I do. Please don’t cut me from the squash team, I just bought a new racket with the stimulus che…I mean my family’s trust fund.”

Starr’s colleague Mark Henderson, assistant executive vice president to the assistant of the office of the consultant office of the chief Grand Wizard Vicar of Deloitte, expressed disappointment in the news.

“We had high hopes for Brad,” Henderson said in a statement. “He was a straight shooter, he always took a 20,000 foot view on circling the wagons for his deliverables while tightening up his M&A reports and boiling the ocean on his Excel sheets. Sorry to hear he was a major poor.”

Kyle Marconni, another coworker at Deloitte, said the red flags regarding Starr’s embarrassingly low economic status, such as settling for Starbucks coffee instead of a locally sourced $12 cappuccino from an Old Town boutique cafe, were there from the beginning.

“I should’ve known something was up when I saw the Macy’s tag from his suit,” Marconni said in an interview. “Dude couldn’t even afford a new suede riding crop from Brooks Brothers that the boys and I were going to get monogrammed for our fox hunting trips. I’m surprised he’s not living in a box near the Clarendon metro by now.”

Since the news broke about his poorness, he has been continuously shamed, even receiving an anonymous call from corporate saying “Hey Brad, Michael Kors called and he wants his briefcase back, you hayseed.” He says the worst of the shunning came after logging into work to see the words “Welfare Queen” and “Broke Brad” scrawled on cells A3 through A5 of his latest Excel sheet.

Despite this passive-aggressive path his colleagues have chosen, Starr has decided to use this opportunity as motivation. “It’s not so bad. I’m going to try twice as hard now to show those guys I belong on Sully’s yacht for Croatian Yacht Week next year. I will be proud to work hard and do my best at whatever it is we do here.”