VDOT to Install Porta Potties on Hampton Roads Bridge-Tunnel

HAMPTON, Va. — Citing the continued increase of heavy traffic on Interstate 64, VDOT has announced the addition of porta potties on the Hampton Roads Bridge-Tunnel, sources confirmed Monday.

According to a press release from Ryan Kilbourne, Deputy Director of Highway Toilets for the Virginia Department of Transportation, the decision comes from constant pressure from motorists who have been calling for facilities on the 3.5 mile-long bridge-tunnel for the past three years.

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“Hampton Roads traffic has been on the rise at an uncontrollable pace, particularly at the tunnels,” Kilbourne stated, adding that the combination of beach traffic and increased usage from local commuters has led to drastic measures for those stuck in traffic on the bridge.

“Even though we’re working on an expansion project to combat gridlocks, we figure it’s time to act when we see multiple motorists in clogged traffic leaving their cars to piss off of the bridge and into Hampton Roads.”

The project, dubbed “Congestion Relief” by VDOT officials, will commence later this summer. Porta potties will be placed on the bridge and in the tunnel, for both eastbound and westbound lanes of I-64.

While the porta potties will provide relief to motorists stuck in traffic, they won’t come without a price. VDOT plans to charge a small fee of 50 cents per use.

“This will give residents a chance to poop on the bridge and for VDOT to make a bit of money,” Kilbourne explained. “Seems like a win-win.”

Many commuters who regularly use the bridge-tunnel are looking forward to the new restroom options. “Usually, after the first hour of sitting on the bridge near Willoughby Spit, I’ll have to go,” Newport News resident Christopher Strausmen stated in a recent interview. “Normally I just bring an empty two-liter bottle and some sanitizer wipes with me on my commute to work. The addition of bathrooms has been needed for a long time.”

Kilbourne concluded his announcement by revealing the maintenance and cleaning plan for the new toilets. “We’ll just make Portsmouth clean everything up.”

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