Super Bowl LV is approaching and, much like the heat death of the universe, it’s inevitable that Tom Brady would be involved somehow. On Sunday evening, the Buccaneers are taking on the Chiefs, much to the surprise of five people in Tampa that still support the Buccaneers.
RELATED (article continued below):
- W&M Alumni Still Bummed to Encounter Griffin at Home Basketball Game
- Northern Virginia Woman Who Doesn’t Own Bryce Harper Jersey Banned from All Dating Sites
- Ancient Cave Paintings Reveal Unheard of Redskins Winning Season
Since you want an excuse to drink on a Sunday night, and you likely have at least one friend that won’t stop screaming about how Patriots-turned-Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady is the GOAT, we’ve put together a guide on how to deal with your unfortunate dilemma.
While, up until last year, the Brady bandwagon has gained more steam in the last two decades than Pumpkin Spice Lattes, you’re likely to encounter an obnoxious Brady fan who probably forgot Bill Belichick used to coach the Cleveland Browns and can’t name one Patriots player from before 2018 other than Tom Brady. So, without further adieu, The Peedmont is here to help with our Guide to Dealing With the Tom Brady Fan in Your Friend Group Who Won’t Shut the Hell Up.
Option 1: Mimicry.
The typical Brady fan will usually engage in a long-winded discourse about how he’s the Platonic idea of a player and how Boston sports fans descended from the heavens to bless us with their presence. Give them a taste of their own medicine by mocking them and their Boston accent which sounds like someone took a chainsaw to a plate of sheet metal. For the next four hours simply say, “YOU AH JUS’ JEALOUS OF TAWMMY TOUCHDOWN. YOU WOULD NAWT BELIEVE HOW LUCKY YOU AH TO WAHTCH HIM THROW DAT PIGSKIN OVAH AND OVAH AGAIN LIKE A LITTLE CUTIE PIE. YOU HATE US COZ YOU AIN’T US.”
If they try to deflect and claim they no longer support the Patriots but instead the Buccaneers, just unleash an alligator on them. It’s basically the same thing.
Option 2: Feign Ignorance.
Tom Brady’s fanbase hates nothing more than the suggestion that sports are merely an irrelevant distraction from the inevitably of death. This insults them on a deep level because their self-worth is intimately linked to the athletic performance of millionaire strangers in tight pants. If they can’t share in that success, they’re nothing more than a 45-year-old man who still goes by the nickname “Murph” and wears a jersey to your cousin’s wedding. Just say, “Oh, I’ve never heard of Rob Gronkowski, is he any good? He’s the dude on the sidelines with the headset, right? Whatever, I just hope both teams have fun.”
Option 3: Pay More Attention to the Commercials and Halftime Show.
The bane of the average sports fan is attending a Super Bowl party where no one cares about the game and they’re only in it for the commercials and halftime show. Spend hours talking about how much you love The Weeknd and how excited you are to maybe catch a glimpse of the trailer for whatever the next Star Wars film is being produced. For added effect, continue to talk about the intricacies of the baby Yoda meme during critical moments of the game, particularly field goal attempts, in-zone plays, and the 10-minute break the refs call to review a possible pass interference: “Look, I’m just gonna say it, the baby Yoda drinking coffee is a vibe that all of us need in our lives right now.”
Option 4: Be Woke.
Nothing is worse than someone consistently claiming to have the moral high ground. There’s also nothing worse than politics. Combine the two and become the human embodiment of the Huffington Post opinion section. Now that football is fraught with political controversy and player safety issues, spend the entire night shaming everyone into changing the channel to MSNBC before halftime, forcing all the Brady fans around you to flee for the nearest sports bar, while you proudly exclaim, “I can’t believe you’re going to spend tonight giving ad revenue to this tyrannical, misogynistic children’s game. Until Colin Kaepernick is elected to the Senate, I’m boycotting. Change the channel, I hear there’s some juicy new gossip about Trump’s second impeachment from Teen Vogue.”
Option 5: Drink Heavily.
Alcohol is scientifically proven to make everything better, before making everything much, much worse. However, there’s a bright side—the more you drink, the less you care that your Brady fan friend has spent the last hour ranting about Deflategate. Even better, the earlier your party starts, the more likely that Brady fan you invited against all good sense won’t make it to the National Anthem, since he’ll be 12 beers in by 6 p.m. Get him a 24-pack of Sam Adams and wait until later to serve the food, so the rest of your friends can enjoy some peace and quiet.
So you’ve made it this far, why not visit our online store?