News Peed

Op-Ed: Can We Just Skip to the Part in “Outbreak” Where We Try to Nuke the Entire City?

Like all of you, I’m sick and tired of this pandemic. I’m tired of working from home and having to deal with my coworker Steve’s shitty internet connection on our Zoom calls. I’m also completely over having to suffer through my partner’s attempts at cooking, which has left my tastebuds horribly tainted and longing for something with more seasoning than salt and pepper.

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I’m just done with all of this, and I want it to be over. And I think I have a swift, non-partisan solution to how we close this horrible chapter of our lives once and for all.

Remember that 90’s movie “Outbreak” – you know, the one with Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, and Kevin-pedo-Spacey – when the US president decides that the best way to eradicate the deadly virus is to just nuke a quaint coastal hamlet? I’m proposing that. Wherever we are in this pandemic, let’s just fast forward to that part and follow the fuck through with it. At this point, not even Morgan Freeman dressed as a witch doctor can save us.

Cooking the Richmond metro area at 100,000,000 degrees Celsius will not only wipe out the virus on a local scale, but it will do a lot of the good for the community. Hate Short Pump? It won’t be safe to visit for the next fifty years. Want to take down the Lee monument without having to jump through bureaucratic hoops? Done. Sick of gentrification in the city? Then you’re in luck, because not even the concrete floors in those obscenely priced 400 sq. ft Manchester apartments will be able to survive a nuclear blast.

“But what about people from outside of Richmond who still want to visit? Couldn’t they just bring the virus back to the city?”

Good question!

I’m no scientist, mind you, but the way I see it, Richmond will become a radiation-filled cesspool of vagrants and roughnecks who roam the streets in search of IPAs and other resources necessary for survival. Basically, we’re going to turn into Newport News. And with any luck, all of the aforementioned lingering radiation will kill off any remaining particles of the virus that anyone who dares visits our city could bring to it.

So Northam and Stoney, get with the program, and order an airstrike that will annihilate our city for the greater good. And don’t wimp out like the boys in the movie did. I know the act of leveling Richmond with a hydrogen bomb might not get you the most political points, but if Richmond can come back from it’s 1990’s reputation, we can come back from anything.


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