There’s a global pandemic raging, hundreds of thousands of people have died in the United States alone, and I’ll be damned if some crusty old boomer gets the cure before I do. Unpopular opinion? Bite me. Here’s why all of my entitled, twenty-something friends and I should get the vaccine before your nana.
- I have more to live for. Summers lounging on a yacht in Ibiza, winters skiing in Vail… Hah, just kidding. Grandma spent all our inheritance on bingo and tax cuts for the wealthy. I’ll be lucky to afford a vacation in the sprawling metropolis that is Roanoke, Virginia.
- I need to get laid. Oh, you popped out another bundle of joy last September and meemaw hasn’t met little Braydyn yet? Tough. I’m single, horny, and unlike nana I didn’t get married at 17.
- I’m easier on the eyes. When it comes time to get vaccinated, whose arm do you think they’d rather be looking at? Between all the time spent in the gym, and all the money spent on the ink, it’s a no-brainer. Nobody needs to see Nana’s bony little liver-spotted arm. Come on!
- Children are our future. Okay, I may not be a child anymore, but my parents still pay for my rent, cell phone, and most of my parking tickets. Like it or not, my punk ass will soon be responsible for fixing this dumpster fire of a country. The least you could do is let me enjoy what youth I have left.
- Fuck it, it’s grandma’s time to go. Go ahead and cancel me, but grandma had her chance and she blew it. You’re really going to spend billions of dollars and roll out a nationwide vaccine distribution plan just so some little old lady can sit on a plastic wrapped couch and watch Wheel of Fortune for a few more years? Really?
But if you’re still not convinced, too bad. I’ve already signed up for the vaccine with Safeway, Bon Secours, CVS, Kroger, VCU Medical Center, Walmart, Costco, Dollar General, and a dozen other Google forms I found on Reddit. Let’s see grandma do that on her Jitterbug flip phone.