Northam Grants Death Penalty Exception To Executions at GWAR Shows

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to uphold a popular and longstanding tradition of the community, any abolition of the death penalty will not apply to executions at GWAR shows, Gov. Northam confirmed Wednesday. 

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“We believe strongly in a progressive justice system, which is why our very own alien demons should be able to freely slaughter our enemies—such as Paris Hilton or Donald Trump—without government interference,” Northam explained, noting that any and all types of executions the band is known for would remain protected under state law.

“While Virginia is committed to the eradication of the death penalty, GWAR will be permitted to continue with executions including decapitations, disemboweling, and mercilessly beating the victim with their own intestines. It’s important to consider the dangers we face as a society if the scum of the universe are allowed to roam free after an encounter with Blothar.”

Northam added that any future Virginia legislation would also uphold the practice of disposing of the victim’s remains in the band’s meat grinder, as it would help save thousands of dollars each fiscal year.