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New COVID-19 Alcohol Restrictions Still Require All Shockoe Bottom Back Alley Puking To Finish by 10 p.m.

RICHMOND, Va. — Following data analysis that shows COVID-19 cases slowly decreasing throughout the Commonwealth, Gov. Northam has announced loosened restrictions on alcohol purchases but is still requiring all back alley puking in Shockoe Bottom to finish by 10 p.m.

“We’re seeing a downward trend in cases, which is great, but now is not the time to get complacent,” Northam stated, adding that in addition to an evening curfew for back alley puking, all intoxicated 20-somethings that still get wasted in Shockoe Bottom are required to keep 10 feet of space between one another while regurgitating cheap Fireball shots onto the building foundation of someone’s apartment. 

“All persons vomiting in the back alleys of the Bottom must maintain social distancing guidelines and finish up by 10 p.m.. Thankfully, there are enough alleyways to safely accommodate the drunken population that stumbles throughout Shockoe Bottom, which means we can ease up on certain restrictions. However, it’s imperative that we not get ahead of ourselves and risk outbreaks in areas that are already prone to the spread of germs and diseases.”

Before ending his press conference, Northam added that all shitfaced patrons must also continue to wear masks while throwing up in the neighborhood’s dark alley ways.

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