Biden Announces Plan To Sell West Virginia To Pay for COVID-19 Relief Package

WASHINGTON — Fulfilling his campaign promise to cut government waste while fighting COVID-19, President Biden has decided to sell off the state of West Virginia to raise money for his COVID relief package, officials within the administration confirmed Monday. 

“As the president said on the campaign trail, our number one priority is to defeat COVID-19 and provide relief to all Americans, which means we have to put everything on the table, up to and including selling an entire state,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said during her daily press briefing, adding that the state’s price tag was still being negotiated but that conditions of the sale would be strictly as-is, with no warranty or arbitration.

“West Virginia is a fine piece of real estate, and we have no doubt we’ll be able to find a suitable buyer for a reasonable price. We’ve already got one Virginia in the nation, and the money we make from this deal will be reinvested into the remaining 49 states, which will be essential to helping the economy continue to recover from the pandemic.”

To the surprise of some within the Biden administration, the move to sell West Virginia received almost universal praise nationwide, even among West Virginians.

“The state will have to be pitched as a package deal,” West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice, a vocal supporter of the sale, said in a statement. “You get thousands of acres of natural beauty and a few lovely cities, but you also have to take a failing coal industry and enough crystal meth to fill a football stadium.”

Gov. Justice will reportedly not be included in the sale, as he has recently purchased a home near Mar-a-Lago and is expected to start a new position cleaning Donald Trump’s toilets.