Department of Environmental Quality Votes To Chlorinate the Chesapeake Bay

REEDVILLE, VA. — The Virginia Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) announced plans to chlorinate the Chesapeake Bay, officials within the department confirmed Friday.

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In a press statement, the agency stated that due to declining water quality, they plan to pump massive amounts of sodium hypochlorite into multiple ports off the bay.

“Every now and then, everything needs a good cleaning — even the nation’s largest estuary,” Doug McGinn, DEQ Operations Manager, said in the statement. “The bay’s got quite a lot of nasty stuff in it, so we figure a little bit of Clorox will do her some good.”

The DEQ plan calls for barges filled to sail from Fisherman’s Island to Tangier Island, dumping approximately 34 million gallons of bleach throughout the process. The DEQ is consulting with experts like Dominion Energy and BP, to ensure that the bleach is evenly dispersed into the waterway. In order to gain maximum reach, local watermen will be paid using CARES Act funding to dump bleach into the bay’s smaller tributaries. Additionally, large hoses will be constructed on docks in Cape Charles, Westland, and Gwynn Island to assist the effort.

While environmentalists have supported the plan to bleach the bay, a conspiracy theorist based in Chincoteague says that it is yet another attempt for the government to control their lives. “Chlorine doesn’t belong in water,” Jeeb Mandrake, an anti-government overreach and anti-5G activist, said in a video from his YouTube channel. “This is a communist ploy to destroy our purity of essence. Foreign substances cannot be introduced into our precious bay! If Clorox gets into the water, it will eventually end up in our bodily fluids!”

The DEQ maintains that despite killing every living thing in the water, the bleach will have no harmful effect on human drinking water. “The bay’s water will be as clear as mountain spring water once we’re done,” McGinn explained. “There will be no harmful effects to humans from the bleach. I’ll be the first in line to drink a glass when it’s done.”

When asked if Maryland would go along with their plan, DEQ Spokesperson McGinn stated “I hope they will. They would have to supply their own bleach though. There is no telling how much it would take to clean up the Inner Harbor.”