Northam Promises Marijuana Joints Available for All Virginians by Summer

RICHMOND, Va. — Furthering the commonwealth’s initiative to get the population high in time for summer, Gov. Northam announced that every Virginian who wants a marijuana joint will be able to get one legally starting on July 1, the governor’s office confirmed Friday. 

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“We’re pleased to announce that effective later this year, any adult who wants to smoke a marijuana cigarette will be able to get one,” a statement from the governor’s office read, noting that the proposed timeline to provide up to an ounce of sweet ganja was expected to help stimulate both the summer concert and local snack food industries. 

“Our goal is to streamline our initiative to provide cannabis to the commonwealth earlier than we had originally projected. Come this summer, anyone who wants to roll some blunts will be able to do so freely.”

Northam’s July 1 legalization target also corresponds with his timeline to get a majority of Virginians vaccinated against COVID-19. 

“Come July 4, if everyone gets their shot,” the statement continued, “then we can celebrate the end of this pandemic with reefer madness. So please do the right thing. Get vaccinated and wear a mask, unless of course you’re smoking a big fat doink.”