News Peed

In Stunning Trade off, Gov. Northam Legalizes Marijuana and Makes Alcohol Illegal

RICHMOND, Va. —  On the heels of Governor Northam’s historic announcement that marijuana will soon be legalized in the Commonwealth, sources confirmed that another, decidedly less groovy, law is set to take effect this summer, the return of the prohibition of alcohol. 

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“Look, everyone is allowed one vice, some people like gambling, some people light up a doobie, some people engage in folksy racism,” Northam explained in a statement, “but allowing people to both drink and smoke pot is just a bridge too far.”

Effective on July 3, 2021 because, as noted in the statute “screw your long weekend,” beer, wine, and all intoxicating liquors will be banned in Virginia. However, all Virginians are more than welcome to smoke enough pot to make you remember who Doug Bensen is. 

Overall, in a historically unprecedented move, it appears that the manufacture and sale of an illicit substance will largely be unaffected by a new law. Drug dealers, a downtrodden population if there ever was one, who have been put out of work by the legalization of pot, have pivoted to a new calling, bootlegging. The Commonwealth’s glut of “speakeasies” will also be put to the test and will now actually be forced to enforce their passwords instead of just waving people through who only half remembered that it was “kumquat,” every third Thursday. 

Despite any resistance, Northam remains dedicated to his cause, warning of potential consequences for anyone who tries to defy the new measures “Look everyone, I’m a doctor, so if there’s one thing I know, it’s how to play God with your lives, so shut up and enjoy the pot or else I’m taking away cigarettes too.”

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