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High School Bully Feeling a Bit Rusty Following a Year off From In-Person Learning

Group of high school students having test at classroom.

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Describing his tormenting skills as sloppy and out of practice, Chad Bartoski, a senior and bully at West Potomac High School, claims to be feeling a bit rusty following a year off from in-person schooling, sources confirmed Friday.

“Man, it’s good to be back in person, but I didn’t realize all of my abusive techniques could diminish so much in just a year,” Bartoski said in an interview, adding that trying to dish out bothersome behavior online just wasn’t the same.

“It was hard to make fun of some nerdy kid over Zoom who clearly has his out-of-touch mom shop for his clothes, y’know? It’s nice to be back to beating the hell out of some freckle-faced freshmen from the debate club in person, but damn, I just can’t shove a kid into an open locker like I used to. I’m definitely feeling off. I don’t even know who the new kid is at school that I need to throw a chemistry textbook at.”

Witnesses at the school corroborated Bartoski’s sluggishness, saying it was obvious that he didn’t come back from digital learning the same narcissistic asshole he was before.

“Mr. Bartoski is definitely off his game,” John Webster, the school’s principal, mentioned in a related interview. “His intimidation factor just isn’t the same as it used to be. When he started to tease Sheldon Dole about his braces, Mr. Dole actually threw it right back at him and called Mr. Bartoski ‘a cross between Ed Sheeran and a comatose platypus.’ That definitely wouldn’t have happened a year ago.”

To get back into his groove, Bartoski plans to double up on bullying his victims both during and after school. “Practice makes perfect,” Bartoski said. “So, I’m just going to throw myself into the work and bully as many people as possible, even unfunny, satirical newspaper reporters.”

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