News Peed

Report: Casino Going Somewhere, Nobody Happy

RICHMOND, Va. — Explaining that the entire Richmond population is likely going to be frustrated about one thing or another regarding this casino, a recent report by city officials confirmed that nobody is going to be happy with whatever location is chosen for the project, sources confirmed Saturday. 

“It doesn’t matter if we build this thing downtown or on an empty lot somewhere in Northside — a few people are going to be pissed off either way,” Dan Semmes, a city council official explained in a statement, adding that there was no scenario on the drawing board that would appease everyone.

Semmes admitted that public support for a Richmond casino is hovering somewhere around seventeen gambling addicts and one guy who is sexually aroused by sound of slot machines; however, he says the plan will absolutely go forward.

“Look folks, the massive check for my bribe…I mean, the donation to my reelection campaign has already cleared,” Semmes said. “This is happening.”

“The bottom line is that whether we like it or not, this casino is going to have to go somewhere, and nobody’s going to like it. But, hell, what can you do? At the end of the day, we could build this thing on a rock in the middle of the James River and we’d still get pushback from a trashed PBR can.”

Critics have argued there are a number of places better suited to host a casino than the current site. “Can’t they just put the stupid thing in a place already devoid of class and culture, like Amanda Chase’s basement or Short Pump?” Elliot Franks, a resident of Highland Park, suggested during a recent hearing for the project.

Semmes noted that other possible locations considered to keep locals happy included building the casino far outside the city, such as the Tennessee side of Bristol, with the hopes that no one would notice.

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