RICHMOND, Va. — Despite providing bathroom facilities that haven’t been cleaned since the venue’s opening night in 1987, one of central Virginia’s premiere concert venues, The Bass-ment, has recently announced it will require proof of vaccination for all patrons, officials confirmed Saturday.
The Bass-ment, voted by Richmond’s crust punks as “The Best Concert Venue to Pan Handle in Front Of” since 2004, has remained dedicated to the health and safety of its patrons, except when clean toilets are concerned.
“The Bass-ment is an institution,” Rusty Johnson, the venue’s manager, explained in an interview, adding that nowhere else in Richmond can you listen to such great local bands as Chinese Penis Trap, Youth in Asia, or Closet Phrenologist while also paying $10 for a PBR. “We know the bathroom needs some work, but we’ve been caught up in other things for a few years now and just haven’t gotten to it. I think some of us forgot where the bathroom even is in the venue.”
Johnson also added that the current labor shortage wasn’t helping either, and that the venue’s starting pay of $8 an hour, plus maybe a beer from the bar if Steve is working, in exchange for cleaning a bathroom that resembled the one from the 1996 film “Trainspotting,” might not be enough to draw applicants.
“We hired a cleaning crew to inspect the premises and conduct a deep clean, but they stated that due to, in their words, ‘a metric ton of caked-on human filth dating back to the Reagan administration,’ they were too scared to enter the bathrooms without the presence of armed security or a priest.”
“In these trying times,” Jonson continued, “we hope that our patrons only get sick from the increasingly elaborate cocktail of designer drugs they choose to ingest on our premises rather than COVID-19. As a result, we will require proof of vaccination, which is great, because we absolutely put the safety and health of our patrons first and foremost.”
When pushed as to why the venue refuses to clean their bathroom, facilities manager Earl “Scud” Conrad explained that viruses and other parts of the venue experience are sometimes mutually exclusive.
“We care a lot about our customers having a safe time bashing each other’s brains in a mosh pit or a wall of death or getting Hepatitis from a toilet seat, but we draw the line at respiratory illness, so go get the shot or you’re gonna miss Corn Smut’s upcoming tour.”
The policy has been a success; as of reporting, no customer or band member has tested positive for COVID-19, but unfortunately there have been several hospitalizations due to patrons succumbing to toxic urinal cake syndrome, which, interestingly enough, is also the name of a new thrash metal band that will be touring the area this November.