Richmond City Council Mandates Badass Tattoos for Employees of Local Bars

RICHMOND, Va. — Declaring that it was time for everyone to “roll up the sleeves and get the ink,” employees of local bars in Richmond will now be required to have totally badass tattoos, City Council officials announced Saturday. 

“In an effort to keep Richmond restaurants afloat after the challenging year we just had, we feel it best to ensure that all employees — ranging from servers to bartenders and dishwashers — have sweet ass gnarly tattoos,” Shauna Blackwell, a senior official, said in a statement, praising establishments such as GwarBar, Wonderland, and Fallout for leading the charge in making sure employees are tattooed. 

“And we’re not just talking about some weak slap-ons you pick up at the Dollar Tree or throwing ‘Salt Life’ onto your lower back; we’re talking some badass black and white wizardry shit on both sleeves,  some real bitchin’ ink that depicts a fuckin’ skull overlooking Short Pump. Or the ‘RVA’ logo on a Harley riding through the gates of hell across your neck. We want patrons to be so impressed that they ask where you scored such ink, which might inadvertently drive business to local tattoo parlors.”

“It’s important that we make sure the right people are working at our local bars and dives, and not some posers from Northern Virginia,” Blackwell added. 

Blackwell noted that any restaurant employee that refused mandatory tattoos were welcome to seek employment elsewhere, adding that Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s were likely hiring. Religious exemptions would be permissible but only through the Church of Satan, the Satanic Temple, or a mysterious cult from the Shenandoah Valley.