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Report: That F-150 on I-95 Will Never Let You Merge

WOODBRIDGE, Va. — As indicated by his complete unwillingness to give you some space to switch lanes, the red Ford F-150 traveling on I-95 will never let you merge over to the middle lane, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“This guy has been dominating the middle lane since the damn Ladysmith exit,” Cheryl Straubb, 45, of Hanover, said in a statement from the highway. Straubb added that the driver of the truck, which is outfitted with an altered suspension and a Gadsden flag license plate, was far too busy humming along to the most recent vocal aberration by Florida Georgia Line to pay attention to the blinkers of his fellow motorists.

“This is just ridiculous — every time anyone starts to inch on over, he floors it just enough to block the path in front of him,” Straubb continued. “One guy has been trying to move over for a few miles but gets shot down each time. He clearly finds it an affront to his manhood to let anyone merge into his sacred lane.”

Additional sources added that at one point the F-150 did switch to the left lane, but then started using the middle lane to go around people in front of him that were only going a measly 15mph over the speed limit, while occasionally tailgating and using his high beams to express his frustration.

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