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Report: Grandma Not About To Let Inflation Create an Amateur Thanksgiving Dinner

HANOVER, Va. — Despite global inflation and economic issues related to the supply chain of goods and products, Eleanor Radford, area grandmother and local home cooked culinary legend, is not about to let inflation result in a substandard Thanksgiving dinner, officials confirmed Wednesday.

“It’s going to take a lot more to bring Eleanor down in her own kitchen,” Scott DeFord, a close family acquaintance, commented about the upcoming holiday, adding that Radford, 77,  would likely commit armed robbery or negligent homicide before resorting to buying boxed mashed potatoes or a premade green bean casserole. 

“She has a dedicated history of not fucking around when it comes to a Thanksgiving dinner for the entire family, and this year will certainly be no different. She may be on a fixed income, but I swear that lady would sell her late husband’s Purple Heart medal if she had to. If anyone thinks that the current supply chain crisis is going to result in Ms. Radford getting a bunch of prepared food to-go, they can all just go to hell.”

“Even though the circumstances from the pandemic have made things different economically, this isn’t her first rodeo — if she’s down one of her usual dishes or two, you can bet your ass she’s going to have a backup in place,” Deford continued. “She might get frustrated here and there when things in the oven need to come out, but as long as you stay out of her way when she’s running the kitchen you should be fine.”

In addition to DeFord, other neighbors close to Radford that have come to know her cooking throughout the years are confident in what her performance will be, with one describing her sa true heavyweight that was all business when it comes to holiday dinners.

“You can rest assured that if anything is missing from the shelf at your local Kroger, it’s because ol’ Eleanor got it before you did, inflation or no. There’s no doubt at all that her spice rack is fully stacked and ready to go, and that she’s already got her timing for the stuffing, gravy, and biscuits already laid out. She means fucking business.”

At the time of reporting, sources close to her family confirmed that all family members were given stern instructions to report to the Radford residence absolutely no later than 3 p.m. and that dinner would be served promptly at 4 p.m..

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