GENEVA — Citing the variant’s qualities as toxic, dangerous, and incredibly obnoxious, leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) have labelled Virginia Republican State Senator Amanda Chase as a human variant of concern.
“Our research is still preliminary, but we can identify that this variant of backwoods bigotry and spectacular stupidity is of particular concern,” Simon Engels, a spokesperson for WHO, said during a conference, warning that risks of the variant spreading beyond its native Chesterfield County should be taken seriously.
“While we’re seeing moderate infections throughout predominantly rural areas in the commonwealth with symptoms that include racist Facebook posts that end with ‘SHARE if you AGREE!’ from people over the age of 55, this particular strain does have the potential to spread fast, especially before state and local elections. We’re suggesting that both Gov. Ralph Northam and governor-elect Glenn Youngkin deploy public health measures such as earplugs, elementary history textbooks, legitimate journalism, and civil rights literature to help combat any possible spread and further mutations, although we are admittedly worried that the incoming administration might be harder to convince.”
Scientists caution anyone who may encounter the Chase variant to completely and unconditionally disregard anything it may spew out of its mouth, and to avoid looking directly at its eyes as one may become susceptible to cults and the worship of false idols.