ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In an attempt to all but guarantee blue victories for future elections, Virginia Democrats have proposed an infrastructure overhaul plan that would extend Northern Virginia throughout the entire state, officials confirmed Friday.
“It’s no secret that Northern Virginia communities and cities like Arlington and Arlington are doing the heavy lifting that has kept Virginia blue for the last few elections, and this past election that saw Youngkin take the state was a huge upset for us all,” Stacy McLean, a spokesperson for the Democratic Party of Virginia, explained at a conference, noting the area’s high population density of a progressive demographic as the primary catalyst for Democratic votes.
“Our plan is to expand infrastructure along with the cultural amenities that come with Northern Virginia to encompass the entire Commonwealth, from the Hampton Roads area to Big Stone Gap. We’re confident that if we can get Gov. Northam to sign off on this before he leaves office, it could pave the way for future elections to come.”
Specific parts of the bill include extending the I-495 beltway to stretch through Staunton and Richmond and providing overpriced housing for blue-voting millennials, tech employees, and bureaucratic workers that can’t wait to tell you about their profession.
“We understand concerns that this could negatively gentrify most of the Commonwealth, but we believe the benefits could outweigh the downsides here. South Boston could finally have a Whole Foods, and Cumberland County would get not one but two Pure Barre studios. That sounds like a win-win for everyone involved.”
“We’ll also do our best to minimize the traffic congestion that is common throughout the D.C. metropolitan area,” McLean added.
When asked about the possibility of running candidates that aren’t dime-a-dozen centrist politicians with business conflicts to entice voters in upcoming elections, McLean explained that elections are far too important to risk to support liberals with actual principles.
“It’s either this or we start making up insane stories about the Republican Party of Virginia’s plan to secretly sterilize white men though tainted bottles of A1 Steak Sauce,” McLean said.